The Vulnerability of Conflict in Community
I’ve lived in some form of intentional missional community for the last 8 years, and in that time there have been big and small breakdowns of relationships. It strikes me that I used to have an almost allergic reaction when it came to interpersonal dynamics.
Perhaps out of the blue, a comment would strike a nerve in an unexpected way. My breathing picked up speed, a shot of adrenaline raced through my blood as I scrambled to think of a comeback or tried to make a quick exit before the tears came.
Unfortunately for a number of us, our bodies decide to overreact to what it deems as a dangerous item. In doing so, the item becomes exactly that- a “no go” zone that could lead to serious consequences. In the same way with dealing with others, my brain would often me next time this might be worse: I become suspicious of what might happen and start to create worse-case scenarios in my head. The only logical response, I tell myself, is to avoid it all. Never put myself in a place where I could be hurt, and get away fast enough if I accidentally cause injury to others. The default position is that of suspicion: I remain guarded around others until they’ve proven they’re safe. We enjoy a kind of false community. We aren’t able to get to know what makes each of us great, or share (perhaps to solve) the problems we’re facing.
Not all of us may be so anxious as I am. But many of us do intentionally or unintentionally shy away from potential interpersonal conflict. I say potential conflict because many of the conversations we end up having don’t end in the dangerous outcomes we believe they will. Safety is important: there are times when we may find ourselves experiencing abuse or manipulation that requires us to remove ourselves to keep ourselves safe. In those times, I hope there are trusted friends and others around to ensure the appropriate outcome is reached. But in the context of the church and intentional missional community, we sometimes become allergic to all conversations that might require the vulnerability and openness to compromise to move forward, even when these are a reasonable part of living together. For the purposes of this article we’re talking about that second group: where our reaction is out of proportion to the “danger” in front of us: likely in community, it’s someone just as hurting and broken as ourselves.
While we can’t stop our bodies reacting out of proportion to the various things that may or may not harm us, we can teach ourselves to not let our immediate response to conflict dictate how we relate to others in difficult conversations. When we know we are trusted, and we trust the other person, having disagreements doesn’t seem so life-threatening. The currency of trust, Patrick Lencioni says, is vulnerability. The best time to build this trust up is before some situation comes to a head. Allowing ourselves to be seen in our weakness, as well as allowing ourselves to join in other’s sufferings and joy, is a biblical mandate we are called to live within.1 Sometimes this means taking a deep breath, trusting our friends before they’ve been proven, and going first.
Three key learnings that have revolutionised the space of difficult conversations for me have been:
Remember the currency of trust is vulnerability. We are more able to love one another, and be loved, when we open up to those we share life with. It’s a lot easier to not see others as an enemy when we’ve shared our highs and lows with them
Always try and “go first”: if we want to see deeper relationships, we often must take the step into sharing and trusting before others have proven themselves.
Examine our assumptions when things are difficult: What fears or vulnerabilities might be lying behind those assumptions?
That “no-go zone” we put around ourselves in an effort to keep us safe, ultimately keeps us isolated from feeling both joy and pain. When we start to pull down our suspicions and assumptions, we can begin to examine our vulnerabilities together, perhaps start to heal, and maybe in time get to celebrate a deeper connection together than we could have thought possible. In my experience, that is the kind of environment that is different from from your normal flat or group of friends together on mission. It’s that deeper relationship that opens up the door to love others with whatever they may bring, and allows others and ourselves to wonder at the depth of love God has for us.
1 Romans 12:9-21
Jessie Thornton-Black
Jessie is a chaplain and currently a part of the Community of the Transfiguration, a long name for a small group committed to prayer, study and service in the Victoria University of Wellington community. Jessie hopes that she can continue to learn from and offer wisdom to others while sharing coffee and playing board games, which she thinks is the biggest sign character growth in her life in recent times.